Someone really hurt me, recently. At the moment I don’t think I’m going to speak to that person again. They hurt me pretty bad.
And I hurt them, too.
My hurt-ness overspilled like burning lava and scalded them. The bitterness and hate, anger and frustration spread like a viral infection. I was hurting so much, that I hurt someone else. And that person hurt me.
I don’t even know who was in the wrong. I only remember the shouting and the anger. Was it my hurt-ness which caused it, or theirs? As much as the things which have wounded me have caused me to act in the way I often do, I think the other person has been wounded by their past, too. Everyone has a scar, right?
Mine shows when I project my self-hatred onto other things/institutions/people/ideas.
And sometimes, that hurts people, especially those who really like those things/institutions/people/ideas.
Because the distaste I feel for something is proportional to the measure to which that thing is like me, and how much I hate myself in that way. The things which are most like the bits of me I hate, I tend to feel distaste towards. In this way, I project my self-hatred.
I wonder why?
I love how the Bible seems to have the words to fit:
The heart is deceitful above all things,and desperately sick;who can understand it?(Jeremiah 17:9)
Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed;save me, and I shall be saved, (Jeremiah 17:14)
God’s the one who fixes this. He’s the one who mends broken people and removes the hurt of the human heart. As much as I wish myself well, as much as I hope that I will change, I think I have to agree with the prophet – God is the one I’m gonna call out to. The sickness of the human heart – the sickness of my heart – isn’t going to disappear. It’s going to hurt others.
For me, everything is a matter of faith – that is, concerned with my relationship to God. The fact that I hurt someone is to do with how well I know God, and how closely I am walking with him. Walking with God impacts our existence, reorientates the human heart to the things God wants. In those I see who walk closely with the Lord, their inclination is to do good for others and to love them. My heart’s inclination is usually not as pure as this.
And it shows, when someone is yelling at your with tears in their eyes. The sickness of my heart is mirrored in angry sobs.
I can see – in those terrifying, horrific moments – the depths of depravity to which my heart is disposed. The heart is deceitful and sick, and God is the one who heals and saves. One day, I know I will be able to look and see that the wounds in my heart have been repaired, when I stop projecting my self-hatred and loathing to the extent where it becomes a disgusting offense to other people.
This progression in the spiritual life, I know, will overspill and there will be hope, faith and love pouring out of me. But I think I need a lot of grace until that time.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,whose trust is the LORD.He is like a tree planted by water,that sends out its roots by the stream,and does not fear when heat comes,for its leaves remain green,and is not anxious in the year of drought,for it does not cease to bear fruit.”(Jeremiah 17:7-8)