Cracked

Someone really hurt me, recently. At the moment I don’t think I’m going to speak to that person again. They hurt me pretty bad.

And I hurt them, too.

My hurt-ness overspilled like burning lava and scalded them. The bitterness and hate, anger and frustration spread like a viral infection. I was hurting so much, that I hurt someone else. And that person hurt me.

I don’t even know who was in the wrong. I only remember the shouting and the anger. Was it my hurt-ness which caused it, or theirs? As much as the things which have wounded me have caused me to act in the way I often do, I think the other person has been wounded by their past, too. Everyone has a scar, right?

Mine shows when I project my self-hatred onto other things/institutions/people/ideas.

And sometimes, that hurts people, especially those who really like those things/institutions/people/ideas.

Because the distaste I feel for something is proportional to the measure to which that thing is like me, and how much I hate myself in that way. The things which are most like the bits of me I hate, I tend to feel distaste towards. In this way, I project my self-hatred.

I wonder why?

I love how the Bible seems to have the words to fit:

The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
(Jeremiah 17:9)
There is a great sickness in my soul, a virus which infects all who are close.
What is the cure? Jeremiah seems to know:
Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed;
save me, and I shall be saved, (Jeremiah 17:14)

God’s the one who fixes this. He’s the one who mends broken people and removes the hurt of the human heart. As much as I wish myself well, as much as I hope that I will change, I think I have to agree with the prophet – God is the one I’m gonna call out to. The sickness of the human heart – the sickness of my heart – isn’t going to disappear. It’s going to hurt others.

For me, everything is a matter of faith – that is, concerned with my relationship to God. The fact that I hurt someone is to do with how well I know God, and how closely I am walking with him. Walking with God impacts our existence, reorientates the human heart to the things God wants. In those I see who walk closely with the Lord, their inclination is to do good for others and to love them. My heart’s inclination is usually not as pure as this.

And it shows, when someone is yelling at your with tears in their eyes. The sickness of my heart is mirrored in angry sobs.

I can see – in those terrifying, horrific moments – the depths of depravity to which my heart is disposed. The heart is deceitful and sick, and God is the one who heals and saves. One day, I know I will be able to look and see that the wounds in my heart have been repaired, when I stop projecting my self-hatred and loathing to the extent where it becomes a disgusting offense to other people.

This progression in the spiritual life, I know, will overspill and there will be hope, faith and love pouring out of me. But I think I need a lot of grace until that time.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose trust is the LORD.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
(Jeremiah 17:7-8)
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4 Comments

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  1. Yet, there is something about brining light into the darkness with others, yay or nay?

    James 5:16 (The Message)

    16-18Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. Elijah, for instance, human just like us, prayed hard that it wouldn’t rain, and it didn’t—not a drop for three and a half years. Then he prayed that it would rain, and it did. The showers came and everything started growing again.

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    • Of course, but I think we presume thats ‘all’ there is to it. and that somehow the issue will be resolved once and for all. Things are rarely over, this side of eternity at least. The only certainty is that with the coming of Christ our sins will finally be done with.

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  2. Well… I think a part of why it’s NOT all there is to it, is our selfishness. I want something more to happen, I want them to feel the pain of what they did, to suffer what i suffered, etc., when that is not what Christ would have for us at all. Biblically I would see forgive just as He forgave, but I don’t see forget, which is something we use to set up boundaries to protect not only each other but our hearts. I guess for me, my point was, that God is a big part of change in our lives, but we are not created independently but interdependently, and so I believe he uses the community (that i know you have speak so often of) to bring light into our lives and to heal me.

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  3. Yes, indeed. Christ is always the ‘other’ and that ‘other’ is most often encountered in the Church.

    I like your point about forgetting. I’m not sure we’re supposed to forget those pains though. I think the fact that we remember them and yet still strive for forgiveness is evidence of grace.

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