Today I had a conversation with a wise man at the College. I was talking to him about some of the stuff that was really bothering me, sharing the hurts.
Specifically, I was being open about how sometimes I feel a bit forgotten, especially now all my friends seem to be meeting their life-partners right now. I concluded that it’s a bit pathetic of me to try and compete with my friends future spouses for their attention!
To this, he replied that in a few months – maybe even next year I might be just like them.
God has called me to singleness. For a time at least there shall be no talk of wedding bells. I can see that being single I can be so much more available to people, so much more a blessing! My money is free to be given away and it is never inconvenient for someone to call me. I can be available at inconvenient times, I can drop everything for the sake of someone else..
I don’t need a woman for ‘salvation’ because that is bound up in Christ. Salvation means my every-day existence is transformed for the glory of God! New beginnings, new way to be human, new ways to experience friendship. Depths of love for other people. Goodness, encouragement, blessing for my brothers and sisters.
Hopes for now, not real. Not even nearly. Surly if I was really experiencing salvation I would not feel like this, and wouldn’t have needed to have the conversation in my tutors office today.
For now it just hurts. It hurts to feel alone, forgotten. Like my part in the script of my friends lives has met an abrupt end. I so want to experience depth of relationship, true friendship.
But to this, my wise tutor responded with the reflection of an old Roman Catholic friend. He was a priest, thus celibate. His reflection was that in fact being single is more about being available to God than to others.
When Paul discusses marriage and singleness in 1 Corinthians 7 he is clear that those who are single are free to be fully devoted to God than those who are married. From other parts of his writing, it is clear that he sees blessings in both singleness and marriage. But singleness presents certain opportunities.
But what does it mean to be available to God? and why me? and why now?
Questions, many questions in my head.
Perhaps the loneliness I have been feeling and experiencing is a calling from God to…
Something. I know not what.
There is a long way between what I know and what I feel, between what I understand and what I experience.
I’m intrigued to see what happens next.