I am evil

I’m reading a book at the moment. Well, I’m reading several books but aside from school work I am slowly digesting a book by Dallas Willard called ‘Renovation of the Heart’ which I am enjoying.

Today, whilst I was reading I was reminded of a central fact of my own being:

I am evil.

Now, when you see that you could easily assume I am talking about some act I have performed, a crime I committed perhaps… but I assure you that the evil of my being is deeper than what you see or experience of me.

Evil exists in the core of my being. Evil is my self-serving will that enthroned my body ‘on high’ and causes my will to bow before sensual experience, personal gratification and the satisfaction of my ego.

Often, it is tempting to think of myself as having it pretty well together. Perhaps I think I know myself, and I know other people and can manipulate things within my control for something I perceive to be good. Yet recently I have forgotten something significant:

I am not important

Ian is not almighty, it not seated on high and has no control over himself or whatever is around him. Most of the time he seeks to serve his ego and his flesh. Even is ‘good’ deeds, I am really serving myself: I want people to see me and praise me. And in the secret places I perversely serve my darkest wants and most evil of desires. Lust, revenge, blood, insatiable hunger are the contents of my soul.

Why am I telling you this?

The life of Christian devotion features the surrendering of one’s own self to the goodness and mercy of God. That means acknowledging that at my very core, divorced from God I am capable of nothing but evil. This is the first step towards reconciliation with God and other human beings.

Desperately, I seek God. I prayed to him, called out “how can I find you?” and the Lord has answered me.

It starts with the admission that I am fully corrupt and all my actions are evil. And I can’t change that. If I was to suggest that I can change that, it negates any need for God whatsoever. I would be saving myself.

This day, I admit freely that I am helpless without God and require him to transform my entire reality to bring all of me into eternal life

I am optimistic for the future.

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